I must get on with it...

“It’s with effort that I stay seated. ‘I am not an angry woman, George. I am a reasonable person who happens to get angry for a few specific and compelling reasons… Meanwhile, be careful when you chastise a woman for political anger—you should be glad to be with a woman who can say she’s angry, as opposed to all those women who never admit to being angry. Who say fine when they mean fuck you and spend their lives emotionally pretzel-knotted, depressed and untrustworthy.”

- Rachel Kadish Tolstoy Lied: A Love Story

I read this yesterday afternoon on the Tumblr blog of a favorite author.

Later went to an evening meeting where the topic was anger.

Woke up today to attend a 9:30 AM basketball game where I became angered by several things that my former husband was doing.

:::sigh::

I have to address my passivity. I am torn between wanting to scream at this man and just letting it slide. I am having a really hard time with a middle ground. My guess is that no matter what I say, it will be ignored anyway. 12 years with him has shown me that.

Without a doubt, I may have had 'fine' written all over my face, but inside I was seething with 'fuck you.'

I need help.

intervention

I'm sitting on the couch with my laptop and watching Intervention. I am absolutely amazed that the subjects don't realize they are going to be on this show. It has been on the air for several years; you'd think people would catch on. They believe they are being filmed for a piece on addiction. How can they not know there is going to be an intervention? Perhaps they are so consumed by their addiction that they are unaware of anything outside of the next high.

Either way, this show is always a gratitude check.

qwanswers

Stat Counter reveals a lot about blog activity. Sometimes, more than we were expecting to see. My stat site tells me the general geographic location of readers, what link led them to my blog, and at times, the search words that brought my site to light. For the record, I will not be posting pictures of my children on this site ever again. If you would like to know why, then email me at jillijavaandthegardenofeden (at) gmail (dot) com.

So, moving on....

Based on the sheer volume of hits on certain links, here are some answers:

• The off the wall name of my blog was inspired when on a walk with my then infant children in the wooded area of my past home. I am obsessed with all plant life (I wanted to name my firstborn Ivy,) I am a level I Certified Aromatherapist, an amateur botanist, and adorn my body and home with plants and flowers. I am a walking Garden of Eden (the name of one of my children.) My dream was/is to one day own a coffee house/bookstore with an adjoining botanical garden. Will it ever come to pass? I have no idea. Right now I pay the bills by working in a high end day spa as a licensed massage therapist. I love it.
• I am the one that wrote Old Realities By The Minute. I noticed that this post goes viral on the web via the Booze Free Brigade every few months. My stat counter blows up with hits to this post. I can't tell you how that happened; I'm not a member of the Booze Free Brigade. All I hope is that for whatever reason its being tossed around, people gain something from it.
• I would love to tell you that I am rocking a beautifully lustrous head of silver hair, but sorry folks, I started coloring it again about a year ago. All those who come here via 'going gray naturally' hits aren't going to get much more. But, I will certainly let readers know when I decide to ditch the color again.
• I mention California a lot, a certainly a lot more lately. I was born and raised outside of Long Beach and my immediate family is still there. The rest are in San Diego. I lived for a period of time in San Luis Obispo county before moving to Kern County. I spent 10 years in Bakersfield before moving to Appalachia. I got sober for the first time at Thursdays in Sunset Beach, but ultimately kicked it in Bakersfield.

That should just about cover it.

Stay sober. Stay sane.

guess what?

I purchased a new key chain holder thingie for my 11 year sobriety medallion. It came in the mail and I immediately went over to my mantle to fetch my medallion from my beautiful jewel encrusted butterfly box that had been gifted to me years ago by the lovely Gabriella Moonlight. That box held every single sobriety medallion I had ever received.

It was stolen in the break-in.

I just now noticed this.

I want to throw up.

get over it

The only reason I am posting today is to get that last post off the front of the line. It was all heartfelt and true, but I'm pretty good at moving past the ugly and acting 'as if' and I need my blog to reflect that. So, here's to a Wednesday gratitude list:

Grateful that (and for):

• I have a vast capacity for eternal optimism and sunshiny-ness. The perpetual cheerleader. Good gOd, I about did back flips when Annie got her iPhone. I like that quality about myself.
• I'm having a good hair day. Sometimes, people, that's all I can ask for.
• I was friended on Facebook by two people from back home whom I will be making a point to see when I go back in June. One is my tattoo artist and we are beginning the development phase of my awesome new piece of work. The other is the old roommate of an ex boyfriend. Making contact with these two guys got me out of my head and has given me something else to focus on other than my melodrama.
• That I am at a point where I can feel gOd's grace working almost instantaneously. I know that I am being driven by a power far larger than anything I can comprehend. I like that powerlessness.
• That I can now fit into a pair of jeans that were a no-fly zone for a while. I haven't really done anything differently. Maybe gOd saw fit to cut me some slack. Literally lol.
• That I am off the hamster wheel of active alcoholism for another 24 hours. There are days I wake up (like today) and am in complete awe that I have made it to 11 years in sobriety. That kind of kicks ass.
• Good people in Blogland who genuinely seem to care. I value each and everyone of you that comments and lends support.

coming to terms

The past two weeks have been hellish and I guess I should just lay it all out on the line.

My children's father, my ex husband, has been in the hospital for a major procedure to address a major condition that could very easily have a major fallout. I do not have the license to disclose his condition or anything about his life, for that matter, so I will go no further. I will simply say that it was sudden and unexpected and a total kick in the gut.

My reaction to these turn of events leveled me. I, for one, do not want to lose this man. I love him. And that right there is a key player in my emotional Armageddon. I am being forced to deal with my emotional ties to him even after nearly two and a half years after our separation. Bottom line: I have not moved on. Oh, make no mistake. I have moved on physically...new house, bigger job, more stable, etc. Emotionally, I have not. A lot of my problem lies in the fact that he moved me 2,600 miles across the country after we were married and I don't have a single relative near me. I feel isolated and am missing California. I lost some of my identity when we left California and I lost even more when we got divorced. His whole family is two hours away in Ohio. I'm envious and hurt.

There is other stuff thrown in, too. Like other women in his life that I have to come to terms with. I'm not doing such a hot job with that, by the way. Jealousy and pain. What makes it suck even more that everyone in my sphere who has been through a divorce seems to have moved on so much more easily. I simply have not. There. It is out there.

I have not moved on.

I need help.

For the record, I have a good life out here in West Virginia. I own my own home. I have a job that allows me to be of service. I have friends. I have two beautiful children. I guess I have just grown weary of being reminded of the life I use to have and can't have back. I want to move back to California so that I can attempt a fresh start in an area that makes me comfortable, but I have two small children who cannot be separated from their father. I feel stuck and I feel alone.

There is a tattoo that needs to be finished on my back and another one that I would like to get on my shoulder cap. I would like to go back home and have the artist that started the project, finish it. I would like to go back to the desert where I got sober and tell it that I'm still sober. I would like to go visit a friend whom I haven't seen in over 20 years. We can sit at lifeguard tower number one and talk about our days growing up on the sand. Mostly, I just want to drive. Past old schools, old friends' homes, old haunts, old playgrounds. I want to remember some things before I get too much older and begin to forget. I want to remind myself why I left California in the first place and why I should be grateful for what I have now.

You know what's funny about all of this? The fact that I will have my computer with me the entire time and will probably get online each night in my hotel room to let you all know how it is going. Perhaps that is where the beauty is. Within community of people whom I have never met but have been with me through most of the hard stuff.

I'm rambling and I need to go to bed.

Thanks for listening.

spreading it around

Louisey of Letting Go passed on a blog award. I haven't seen nor been the recipient of one of these in a very, very long time. I am touched by her consideration and kind words and for the opportunity to test drive my linking skills on my hot new computer ;-)

I will pass this little gem on to these three folks:

The Last 100 Days as an Alcoholic. I'm new to reading this blog but this gentleman is an excellent writer and always seems to post on topics that resonate with me. Plus, he comments. And I love it when people comment.

Enchanted Oak. Chris is a professional writer, a poet, and a sober woman in Alcoholics Anonymous. I love to read her writings of her locale (I lived in that region for many years) and I love her style. If I was still back there I would probably ask her to be my sponsor. Or at least out for coffee.

Elegant Blessings. Annie has been around for a while and is just delightful. Whenever I feel sluggish and unmotivated, I read her blog and all that she accomplishes before 7:00 AM and I get my head screwed on straight. She's funny, sober, inspirational, and I swear one day I will show up on her doorstep for dinner.

The rules are to post seven obscure facts about oneself. Here goes:

1. I have synesthesia. I present with Number Form Synesthesia and Personification. There are signs of other forms but these are the strongest.

2. I'm empathic. It sucks. It took me well into my adult years before I realized that I wasn't crazy. I would walk into rooms and become physically ill or have physical reactions to people. Being a massage therapist has helped me harness a degree of control but for most of my life it was debilitating. I truly believe that drinking helped numb the effects of it.

3. I'm freakishly strong to the point that its scary. My mother told me that when I was a year old, I snapped a plastic rattle in half with my hands. I really don't think that its a brute strength but more of a current that runs through me that allows me to focus my strength.

4. I only give a second glance to men with beards. Clean shaven doesn't even register.

5. I came close to trying out for the Laker Girls but my drinking got in the way.

6. I'm a college graduate and am trying to decide if I want to go back to grad school. I can't make up my mind. Which leads me to number 7.....

7. I can't make a decision about anything. Its a wonder I make it out the door each day. Menus freak me out because there's too many choices and god forbid I should have to pick a paint color at Lowe's. It took me a year to decide on the purple in my living room. And even then I needed outside input. I am so grateful that we have a dress code at work and the color is black. Otherwise, I would never be able to shop or get dressed.

Alrighty, people. Stay sober. Stay sane.

xanax party

I'm the butt of some cruel cosmic jokes lately because the shit storms keep comin' and comin'.

Sorry. Stress seems to fly the classy right out of me.

I won't go into detail here because I don't have the permission of the others to write about their lives. I'm big into privacy like that. Let's just say that all kinds of crazy stuff is going down and a Xanax is looking mighty good right now. I'm taking the hits, though. Can't say I'm taking them in stride, but I'm taking them. I'm not acting out. I'm not throwing myself or others under the bus. I'm not posting random, vague, passive-aggressive Facebook updates about these situations which ultimately leave people wondering, "Is she talking about me??"

No. I'm doing laundry. Praying. Filed my nails. Brushed the dog (that one takes a while.) Taking care of my kids. Praying. Scrubbed the toilet. You get the idea.

I'll tell you what. Aside from the Steps, you know what makes handling this sh*t so much easier??

A new iMac Pro!

Stay sober. Stay sane.

update

So, my new computer arrived today and all I can say is OH. MY GOD.

Sister didn't know just how awesome an iMac would be. But it is.

I had been looking around for a new computer for a few months and decided to take last week's break-in as an opportunity to give the finger to the old standbys. This thing is a friggin' Ferrari.

I am still trying to learn my way around it, but it was love at first sight and I can't stop playing with it. One unfortunate thing, this new computer shows my blog site in a different light. The green on my site is odd. It is in no way the color that I chose when I was developing my template on my old laptop. I imagine it must show up differently on different screens. I'm not digging it.

Thank you to all who left such kind comments. You all are a wonderful group of people. I need to think up a good word to describe my Blogger friends...

Froggers? (friends + bloggers)

Blends? (bloggers + friends)

Be back soon.

Stay sober. Stay sane.

My home was broken into on Wednesday and all my valuables were stolen. Including my computer. Posting is difficult from an iPhone. The individual kicked in my back door while I was out with the dog.

:::sigh:::

I thank gOd I wasn't home when it happened.

I will be back more regularly to say 'Hi' to everyone when I get a new computer.