My children's father, my ex husband, has been in the hospital for a major procedure to address a major condition that could very easily have a major fallout. I do not have the license to disclose his condition or anything about his life, for that matter, so I will go no further. I will simply say that it was sudden and unexpected and a total kick in the gut.
My reaction to these turn of events leveled me. I, for one, do not want to lose this man. I love him. And that right there is a key player in my emotional Armageddon. I am being forced to deal with my emotional ties to him even after nearly two and a half years after our separation. Bottom line: I have not moved on. Oh, make no mistake. I have moved on physically...new house, bigger job, more stable, etc. Emotionally, I have not. A lot of my problem lies in the fact that he moved me 2,600 miles across the country after we were married and I don't have a single relative near me. I feel isolated and am missing California. I lost some of my identity when we left California and I lost even more when we got divorced. His whole family is two hours away in Ohio. I'm envious and hurt.
There is other stuff thrown in, too. Like other women in his life that I have to come to terms with. I'm not doing such a hot job with that, by the way. Jealousy and pain. What makes it suck even more that everyone in my sphere who has been through a divorce seems to have moved on so much more easily. I simply have not. There. It is out there.
I have not moved on.
I need help.
For the record, I have a good life out here in West Virginia. I own my own home. I have a job that allows me to be of service. I have friends. I have two beautiful children. I guess I have just grown weary of being reminded of the life I use to have and can't have back. I want to move back to California so that I can attempt a fresh start in an area that makes me comfortable, but I have two small children who cannot be separated from their father. I feel stuck and I feel alone.
There is a tattoo that needs to be finished on my back and another one that I would like to get on my shoulder cap. I would like to go back home and have the artist that started the project, finish it. I would like to go back to the desert where I got sober and tell it that I'm still sober. I would like to go visit a friend whom I haven't seen in over 20 years. We can sit at lifeguard tower number one and talk about our days growing up on the sand. Mostly, I just want to drive. Past old schools, old friends' homes, old haunts, old playgrounds. I want to remember some things before I get too much older and begin to forget. I want to remind myself why I left California in the first place and why I should be grateful for what I have now.
You know what's funny about all of this? The fact that I will have my computer with me the entire time and will probably get online each night in my hotel room to let you all know how it is going. Perhaps that is where the beauty is. Within community of people whom I have never met but have been with me through most of the hard stuff.
I'm rambling and I need to go to bed.
Thanks for listening.
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16 comments:
I'm so sorry about your ex-husband. May you stay safe and strong through all of this.
I think the trip is an excellent idea. Reconnecting with your past and bringing those elements into your present could be good medicine right now. xo
((((((((HUGS))))))) I hope you find some peace on your journey! It does suck to know we can never go back. I'm sorry you are hurting.
Kristin, all those thoughts of yesteryear--well, I've had them also. It took time to get that clear from my system.
I recall first time I 'went back'...and it was just superbly wondrous, just as I had planned.. After, I began to wonder, "WHY am I doing this...now I live in Florida for nearly 47 years...YEARS! OMG...
So, IMHO, you need to go back at least once to get it out of your system. I WILL be one of the many out here waiting to hear more of your 'trudging' as it happens--in those late-night blog posts--grin!
Love and PEACE!
Steve
A big hug -- so much to deal with and so complicated -- place is terribly important to me too Kristin and I often feel torn between where I find myself and where my heart lies. Thinking of your ex-husband and hoping for healing. Love goes on sometimes regardless of certain realities.
Oh K, I have always sensed you did not feel at home there.
A very difficult decision-kids change everything. And about your husband? A health scare often brings emotions up we did not know were there. Maybe take some time (a day trip to serious nature, your area IS beautiful) and let your feelings sort out. I'm thinking of you. You have always been on my side, it's my turn to lend an ear. If you ever need to just get out of town, come visit (you know others here), and I have room.
PS I luv you are running! Take it slow, give it a couple weeks. I think you will see it helps the mind and soul as well as our butts;)
Kristen, I went back to my home town many times. But now I know that my heart is here. Going back is a good idea--visit, see old friends, get the tattoo done, and plant your feet in the beach sand. Maybe you will find eventually that you can return for good, if that is what you want.
I too hope that your ex will heal and be okay. I understand having love for someone that once was your heart. I get that totally,
I don't know what to say that hasn't already been said. Don't beat yourself for "not moving on." Your heart will do that when it does. I will be thinking about your ex over the next several days as health things unfold. A trip to California sounds wonderful...
hugs.
Hey hi, just wanted to send love from down under in New Zealand. Are you on the road yet? Sounds like a trip home would be a lovely idea .. to replenish your soul and (maybe) also remind you why you left? As Bwendo always says, be gentle to yourself, and take good care xxxx
Sorry to hear about the ex sweet friend. On the subject of 'coming to terms and moving on'...I'm kind of in that place myself. Some days I think I've got this silent world of deafness downpat, others I feel like I'm a lost little girl that just wants things back the way they used to be.
The blessings lie in what we do have. I know it's a difficult thing to grasp. Maybe going home will remind you just how far you've come. The road in front of us bends and twist, the journey is something else to hold close to the heart. (Hugs)Indigo
Sending you hugs.
Babygirl...
I think you should make the trip too. And I'll come with you, just for good measure. lol
We'll start in the north and work our ay down. I lived an hour fro the Oregon border for over 20 years and want to go back almost every day of my life. I have circled back to my "roots" here in the midwest, but it is not home to me.
I don't think love ever really goes away. I have cordoned off a section of my heart where my ex still lives, 23 years later. It just is what it is, and connections like that don't just disappear because somebody changed their mind. sigh...
BUt what better opportunity to find out what we're made of and who we are and take a different leg of the journey...
xoxoxox
Hi Kristin, thanks for sharing and hope there was a bit of healing in letting it out. In time the healing will come, not in that you love him less but in you will accept the situation for what it is.
Trip is a good idea and if you happen to travel threw here, you are welcome to stop by have a hot cup of coffee or tea, let Ozwald the giant meet Sweetheart the tiny 5lb who thinks she is as big as him, also free place to crash if you are so inclined.
You have been and will remain in my prayers.
Love and hugs in fellowship!
The thing is, you will survive this experience and it will make you stronger. You know how to use the tools you've acquired, and in the craziness, one little step at a time, you'll tap that unsuspected inner resource, and you'll keep putting one foot in front of the other.
What a heartfelt post, Kristin. I, too, still have some feelings for my ex. He was my first love, and he is my daughter's father. In some ways, I've never quite gotten over him, and perhaps I never should. I am happy to report, however, that after three days in a car with him taking my daughter to college, I now remember why I left.
As for the trip, I'm with everyone else here: go for it! I grew up in Phoenix and ended up there years later for a job. I drove around and around to see old houses, favorite parts of town, etc. It was a healing experience for me. Kind of brought things full circle. Helped me bring together the various parts of my past and present into a more complete whole.
tough stuf my friend, but I promise that this too shall pass...
hang in there...
do something meaningful and nice for yourself...
(tired of the platitudes yet, lol?)
God bless ya Kristin!
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