too bored for a title

Sitting at home waiting for a call from work. I have three appointments scheduled with the first one starting at 2:00. That may be it for the day or I may get a call in 2.5 minutes telling me someone scheduled a 10:00 AM. With that kind of work arrangement its difficult for me to get into anything of substance so I typically putter around the house waiting for the call. Currently I am puttering between Blogger and Facebook, both of which are beginning to scramble my brain. I need to focus. I guess I could go do my hair. Yes, when in doubt, groom.

Hey! I upgraded to an iPhone. Remember me lamenting my lack of Smartphone? (Whoop-di-do Kristin. No one cares...) Now I can publish quality videos of my dog to YouTube. I need to get a life.

Newcomer in the meeting last night. His very first ever meeting. I didn't get a chance to get his name or say hello. I hope he comes back. The topic was what brought us to AA. I always share in my leads that I was 12 Stepped into a meeting when a group of guys smoking cigarettes on a meeting break saw me stumbling through a back alley, drunk, and stalking my current love interest. Turns out that my paramour's apartment was across the alley from the AA clubhouse. I was hammered half out of my mind and they brought me into a meeting. I was 19 years old and remember absolutely nothing from that meeting.

Well, have a great day folks. Stay sober. Make it count.

Nothing earth shattering today, folks. Fully recovered from surgery last Thursday. I attempted to go to work on Saturday. Made it through 2.5 hours of massage and then called my last two appointments and canceled them. My surgeon had told me that I would probably be OK to go back to work but it turns out, I wasn't. I was fine by Monday, however. Thank you to all who extended kind wishes for my procedure and recovery.

It was strange, but I have only had my dog 6 months and yet I was terribly lonely for him the two days that I had him in the kennel last week. I put him in on Wednesday morning and my ex retrieved him for me on Friday morning and it was just so odd not having him here. I have become accustomed to his presence and how he is simply a part of the surroundings. Queen size bed. Check. Red chaise lounge. Check. House plants. Check. Ginormous shaggy dog with enormous butt. Check. And he has become a fixture of the AA scene as well. I imagine in due time when people mention me and someone says, "Kristin? I'm not sure if I know her...." the response will be, "Oh, sure ya do. She's the one with the Sheepdog that she brings to meetings." My routine lately has been to leash him up, take him for a walk either to the meeting or around the meeting grounds. Tie him to a tree out front with his favorite Kong shoved full of peanut butter and biscuits and then keep an eye out for him through the meeting window. He loves it and he gets lots of sober love from the attendees before and after. Good times.

Trying to keep it simple today (and all days.) I have a three day weekend coming up and I need to put the yard to bed for the year and get to work on the kids' Halloween costumes. My nine year old will be dressing as Coraline from the movie Coraline. My seven year old, per my suggestion, will be wearing a sweatsuit peppered with cotton balls and carrying a spritzer bottle full of water. When asked what she is supposed to be, she has been instructed to spray the individual and say, "Partly cloudy with a chance of showers." She loved it.

Off to get ready for work.

Stay sober. Make it count.

update and randomness

Because I live in the Land Of Do Everything Twice, the less invasive surgical procedure that was attempted in my doctor's office a couple weeks back has got bumped up to a full-fledged surgical procedure with general anesthesia and the works.

Just got off the phone with the surgery center a few minutes ago. They did my intake over the phone and asked me "Do you have any kind of reaction to any kind of drug.?" I told them, "When I take alcohol, I break out in handcuffs." The nurse busted out laughing and thought that was just hilarious. Hilarious, honey, but true. So true.

Parallels run amok on the blog these days. A few of us have had some hurtful things happen at the hands of people we called friends. I found out that some people in my life seem to feel that they have license to rip me apart behind my back. And then act as if nothing happened when I'm in their presence. Really? Really? You think that doing it behind my back means that I won't find out? Such a classic display of stupid.

Since I can never seem to find the time or money to take a trip anywhere, I am going to look at my drug-hazed post operative recuperation period as a vacation. Yes, I am.

For a couple of weeks, I counted calories and my clothes got all loose and baggy. And then I went to the doctor yesterday, stepped on the scale and the numbers haven't budged a bit. What the hell?

My fourth grader is beginning basic algebra. I am beginning to feel less intelligent. It might be time to apply to grad school.

I think I am the only person left without a Smartphone.

I want to know how I can look cute at the hospital tomorrow if I can't wear makeup. I'll have to do something really interesting with my hair.

The cutest thing I have seen in a long time was watching my second grader pack the dog's overnight bag for the kennel. She wanted him to have all his special things so that he didn't get lonely. I love her big heart.

Off to work, people.

Stay sober. Make it count.

go team (but only if you want to)

Hard as it might be for people to believe, I was a cheerleader in school. Middle school through high school and even contemplated trying out for the college team as well. My drinking, of course, kind of derailed that plan.

I was the cheerleader that you saw on the ESPN National Competitions, so suffice it to say, it was my whole life. It was considered a sport in my high school that we could letter in yet unlike other sports, it was year-round and we practiced and trained accordingly. Obviously, the true reason for the squad was to provide support to the athletic teams of the school, and being from southern California, the school was enormous and the teams many. We were not only required to attend Football, Basketball and Baseball; but Water Polo, Lacrosse, Track and Field, and Wrestling. We probably would have been made to attend Gymnastics and Badminton as well, but the Vietnamese student players could have cared less is we were there or not. Personally, I jonesed to attend The Surf Team's meets, but they were held at 6 AM and, well, a girl needs her sleep.

We were not expected to stand on the sidelines belting out cheers for all these sports. That kind of cheering was saved for the Big Sports. All we had to do was show up in our alternate uniforms (school colored warm up suits,) sit in the bleachers and be supportive of a team that had no support outside of the coach and maybe the random mother or father. More often than not, we were the only ones there. We cheered on these teams even though many of them were a pathetic display of skill and sportsmanship. We baked cookies for the players on game days and created noise of encouragement when the opposing teams happen to bring large crowds. We were rarely appreciated and often mocked (we were cheerleaders, for gawd's sake.) Overall, we did what was expected of us out of a sense of teamwork and natural enthusiasm that only a perky pepster could have.

Fast forward 24 years and I'm still that girl. I'm still the loudest to clap and tightest to hug when a Program member receives a sobriety medallion. I am still the staunchest supporter when a newcomer needs encouragement in their early, faltering days of sobriety. Hell, there are still days when I want to do back handsprings down the length of the meeting room when I see a newcomer make it to a year of sobriety. I don't do it, but I want to. I typically end up bringing the brownies.

But after 24 years, there's a chip in the armor. I think I'm starting to get either tired or a teensy bit jaded. I'm starting to find it difficult to be a cheerleader for the newcomers that don't go to meetings, continue to hang out at bars and house parties because they think it's "hilarious to watch other people get drunk," live on a diet of Coke Classic and Marlboro Reds and wonder why they feel like shit, or simply just don't give a damn. I'm tiring of being a staunch supporter to those who are up my ass when they need me most but bail the moment they realize this "just isn't for them."

I recognize that what is at play here is expectations on my part and that I need to do my own work on that. Writing this post is part of that process. So, save me the lecture on letting go and letting god. I am also aware that part of what is going on is my own resentment of not having the cheerleader in my life that I desperately needed. At the age of 41, I am coming to terms with that. I had it in the form of sponsor 16 years ago, but she's on the west coast and I'm in Appalachia, and that relationship no longer exists.

I'm tired a lot these days and after a lot of contemplation on the matter I now recognize the problem. I have a healthy diet, I get lots of physical exercise, I sleep well, and I'm not sick. The problem lies in the fact that I expend energy in areas that ultimately end up draining me and I need to learn to conserve more simply for the sake of self preservation. I think that after 24 years, the cheerleader is going to need to hand over the megaphone. I think that what I will need to do, at least for a while, is sit on the sidelines and support in silence.

In parting, Ginormous Cow Puppy says 'Hello.' As long as he's fed, he's my biggest supporter.

11 years

In the last year I have:

Dealt with a year-long, dragged out, breast cancer scare.

Dealt with chronic, painful complications from a worsening latex allergy.

Dealt with the progression of a divorce process that will soon be coming to an end.

Bought a house.

Moved into the house.

Had relationship issues that have leveled me.

Assisted in the major, back-breaking relocation of my place of employment.

Dealt with the death of my beloved employer and buddy.

Added a 70 pound ginormous cow puppy to my household.

Gained 30 pounds.

And I haven't had to drink or use through a single bit of it.

God is good.