Because of sobriety.
My writing is minimalistic because my brain is, for now, not cluttered with the noise of constant sorrow. I no longer feel plagued, beleaguered, strung out.
Because of sobriety.
But make no mistake. I know addiction.
Fat dogs, hot musicians, and day spas aside, I know what its like to wake up and pray to a gOd of my understanding to get me through the day in 30 second intervals because the prescribed Lortab for my daughter's tonsillectomy is screaming at me from the bathroom medicine cabinet.
I know what its like to come home from an AA meeting only to find that my significant other has been hammering back beers on the couch since he arrived home from work four hours earlier.
I know what its like to feel left out because three quarters of the staff are going to a Happy Hour infused dinner after work and I wasn't invited because they know I don't drink. For the record, that's a key reason I attend AA. Because the people there understand those feelings.
I know what its like to pass the wine aisle at Kroger and feel that sharp, albeit brief, feeling of nostalgia of what it was like to do wine tours in California's central coast. I say 'brief', because the longer I stay sober, the less impact those memories have on me.
I know what its like to have a drunk dream so vivid that I wake up shaken to the core and so filled with remorse and dread that I have to change my sobriety date.
I know what its like to come face to face with a severely hung over person and get sick to my stomach because 1. I remember and 2. I identify with the lie they tell when they say that they "must have a touch of the flu."
I know what its like to wake up on some days and wonder if its all worth it. That maybe after nearly 11 years of continuous sobriety, maybe, just maybe, I can drink like other people. For the record, that's why I attend AA meetings. The people there remind me that sobriety is worth it, the bad feelings will pass, and no, I cannot drink like normal people.
That is all.
Happy Sober Wednesday.
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