power of the program (in photo)

best thing I've heard all week...

"Control is not necessarily telling a person what to do or how to live their life. Control means making sure that, through our actions and behaviors, we are always on their mind."

~Anonymous

akron in may

I will have a couple of weekends free during the month of May. The kids will be with their dad and I don't need to work on one of the weekends.

I want to go back to Dr. Bob's house.

I went there a few years ago and, frankly, it was one of the most spiritual experiences I have ever had.

The question is: what do I do with the puppy? Bring it with me? Hire a sitter? I think the puppy would love a road trip to Akron...

new kid in town

As if I didn't have enough going on in my life right now, I go and decide to add a new member to the family...

Currently, his name is Barney. But I'm thinking of changing it to Jerry Garcia. Any thoughts?

a strong need to control

I spent entirely too long on the phone with my cable provider this evening deliberating over whether I should cut some of my services in an attempt to downsize. The service I was willing to let go of was only going to save me $11.00 a month. Once I heard that number, I should have said, "SO not worth it. Just keep the service." And then move on to another item in my budget that I could relinquish to save more money.

But no, I couldn't let it go.

I am anxious right now. I have been separated for over a year and a half and we are just now beginning to finalize the remaining documents for the divorce. With this divorce I will lose my health insurance; a coverage that is not offered through my current employer.

Have I mentioned on the blog that I am in the midst of a potential breast cancer 'thing?' No? Well, I am. The MRI shows that the mass does not appear to be malignant, but they haven't been able to biopsy it because every time they get me on the table, it rolls out of site; which is an indicator that it might not be cancer, but they won't know that until its out.

Did I mention that an MRI without health insurance will cost me $4,000.00?

I am scheduled for another one in June. ::sigh::

So, I'm nickel and diming myself right now trying to find the financial safety net that will make it all better. There is none, you know. Because once I find the savings somewhere in my budget, the HVAC system will go out. Or the kids will need braces. Or I'll have to get the car fixed. There is always something.

The madness in this scenario is that I have turned down jobs recently that would provide me with benefits simply because I would rather sever my arm than show up every day to said jobs. I got sober so that I could live, not just survive. My social work career, while noble and admirable, was torture for me and I would count the hours on the clock until I could check out and get drunk. The moment I got sober, I got a clue.

If I was going to take back my life, then I was going to do exactly what I wanted to do with it. Career and all.

Fast forward 10 years and I'm at a crossroads. Do I leave my beloved spa and cherished profession so that I can go to bed at night knowing that a $4,000.00 MRI is paid for (at least 80/20?) And for the record, private insurance for an individual will break a person on my income. Sorry folks, that's health care in America.

I know that the answers will come. I do the footwork necessary to get me through my day honestly and with integrity and I pretty much leave the rest up to gOd.

In the meantime, I stay sober.

more miscellany

because clearly I can't draft a full post with proper formatting...

99.9% sure that I'm getting old because I'm contemplating turning my home group into an AM meeting. My current meeting at 7:00 PM is beginning to feel kind of late. Sad.

Was anybody ever really a 'fan' of the Marshall Tucker Band?

Nothing makes my day more than when my kids get up in the middle of a meal to come give me a hug and kiss and tell me how much they love me. The seven year old sometimes does it twice. Good stuff.

Rigorous honesty: I dyed my hair. I was on a year and a half stretch of going gray naturally. I caved last week and dyed it auburn. The kids' dad said I look like the devil. Heh.

Car got broken into last week. It was at my house. They took loose change and ransacked it. I'm grateful nothing was broken, however, I couldn't help thinking, "This is the best you can do? 45 cents in loose change? You're not even going to take ALL of the change??" Maybe they had a flash of conscience while raiding my vehicle. Doubt it.

For the newcomer: I still crave alcohol. I don't crave the chaos, hangovers, unmanageablilty, pain, despair, or desperation. But I do still crave alcohol. They cravings don't happen often and they aren't strong, but occasionally they show up. I say this for the individual sitting in the room wondering why the cravings haven't left. Maybe they will, maybe they won't. My point is that I've learned to live happily around them.

The man or woman who invented Netflix is a genius.

Since it's almost 4:00 PM and I'm getting old, I'm gonna go have dinner and then get ready for bed...