remembering

Once a year I repost this in an attempt to remember with crystal clarity just how disgusting this addiction had become. Of course, this post doesn't include the drunk drivings, failed relationships, broken limbs, depleted bank accounts, etc. that were part and parcel with my drinking. This was but a snippet. But a very real one, nonetheless.

Enjoy.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Old Realities By the Minute

A normie blogger friend wrote to me in an email recently about how she liked the tone of gratefulness in my blog posts. I responded with a simple "thank you" but later decided that more should be said on the matter.

I am grateful today. And all days, in fact. For all things big and small in my life. From my family to the laundry I fold. For my health and the food in the fridge. My education. My job. Even the bills that I have to pay with the money that I earn at my job. It is all connected and I am grateful for all of it. Because not all that long ago my reality was vastly different.

Kristin circa 1999:

Passed out at some point between midnight and 2:00 AM.

4:00 AM: Come to on the couch. TV still on. Lights are still on. Oven is still on. WTF?

4:02 AM: Stumble into bathroom to pee. Make it to bedroom and crawl into bed.

7:30 AM: Lawnmower from down the street can no longer be ignored. Pounding headache is not so much "pounding" as it is an "ice pick" drilling a hole in my brain. Get up to find aspirin, realize it's in purse, can't remember what happened to purse after passing out that night (morning?) Go to bathroom to look for more aspirin. No luck.

7:45 AM: The queasiness is starting to kick in. Can't get back to sleep because the cocktail of drill bit headache and nausea-on-a-rampage. Crackers. Must find crackers.

7:46 AM: Vomit.

7:47 AM: Vomit again.

8:00 AM: Call in sick to work. Read boss a pathetic tale of food poisoning at the hands of bad Chinese takeout. Boss is sympathetic. I'm now guilt ridden and remorseful for being such a liar.

8:05 AM: Go back to bed with shades drawn.

10:21 AM: I don't know if I awaken to the feeling of hunger or hangover. It can only be described as the hangover trifecta: tremors, nausea, and a mind numbing headache. Nice. Should make for a GREAT day. Not. My stomach feels like I swallowed battery acid. My mouth tastes like hot dog water.

10:25 AM: Go pee. It burns to pee. Oh f**k.

10:35 AM: Eat piece of leftover pizza from the night before. Can't remember ordering it.

10:45 AM: Drink a quart of orange juice.

11:00 AM: Starting to feel somewhat better. Not 100%. More like 35%. Try to pull off a shower.

11:35 AM: Shower gets me up to 45%. Things are starting to look up. Can't look in the mirror, however, because my face looks like ten miles of bad road.

12:00 AM: The shakes are starting to subside, the headache is still there, the body aches, still nauseous. Try going to porch to sit outside. See the leftover wine bottles, beer bottles, and overflowing ashtrays sitting out on the patio from the night before. Try to remember what had happened. Vaguely remember talking to someone on the phone. Can't remember who. Can't remember what was said. Hope to God I didn't offend anyone. Can't believe I went through 2 packs of cigarettes all by myself.

12:10 PM: Start to clean up patio.

12:35 PM: Still trying to figure out who I had called the night before. Enemy? Friend? I have more enemies than friends so the odds aren't in my favor.

1:07 PM: I have GOT to get some aspirin or Tylenol. And cigarettes. Try to find car keys. And purse. Great. Can't find either.

1:20 PM: Find both in the front seat of my car which is unlocked. Oh f**k. Did I drive somewhere last night? Check the grill and bumpers for dents and scratches.

1:33 PM: Head to store to buy cigarettes and painkillers. Can barely drive because the sun is so bright. Sunglasses don't help. Wonder how other people do it. This alcohol thing. How do other people function so well after a night of drinking and yet I can't?

1:48 PM: Get into store. Damn the lights are bright. And it's loud in here, too. And everyone is moving so fast. Why is everyone in such a hurry? Why is everyone so energized? Why do I always feel like shit?

1:50 PM: Spend 20 minutes on the analgesic aisle because my brain can't focus enough to decide between Advil and Extra Strength Tylenol. Hey! Is that a new hangover remedy on that shelf?

2:10 PM: Analgesic aisle is right next to the liquor aisle. Coincidence?

2:11 PM: I need a drink. But I must be out of my mind to think I'm going to buy more alcohol feeling the way I do.

2:12 PM: Stoli is on sale. So is Corona.

2:15 PM: Decide to purchase both. But I won't drink them until the weekend. I am going to go home, take a hot bath, fix a hot meal, get to bed early, get up early, go to work early, work late to make up for being such a loser of an employee, go to the gym, won't drink until weekend...

2:25 PM: Stand in aisle at checkout counter. Try not to make eye contact with cashier. Assume that she is judging me for my bloodshot eyes, stringy hair, and stench of stale booze seeping from my pores. Hope that she doesn't comment on the Stoli and Corona. Wish to God that she would hurry up.

3:17 PM: Arrive home after checking out of store and running through a Taco Bell. Too hungry to wait to fix a homemade meal.

4:00 PM: Vegetate on couch while watching Oprah. Plan on traveling to Chicago someday to see the Oprah show. Wonder how the women in her audience always look so polished.

5:01 PM: Begin to hear the hum of rush hour traffic out my window. Look at clock. Where did the day go?

5:08 PM: I need a drink.

5:11 PM: I'm only going to have one.

5:17 PM: My mind races as I reach for the bottle on the counter. You're such a loser Kristin. You can't even go one day without a drink. But it's only one. Just to take the edge off. Every bar downtown is going to be packed with happy hour participants. Why should I be any different? Everybody does it.It's only one.

5:45 PM: Sit at computer with drink in hand. Look at clock. Nearly 12 hours since I came to. I have accomplished nothing of value.

5:57 PM: The alcohol is starting to kick in. My body no longer aches. The headache is starting to go away. My mood elevates. Ease and comfort.

6:12 PM: Just one more...

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drunk dream

For the record, I haven't had a drunk dream in over 15 years. Yet, for me, the drunk dream is so powerful, that I have never forgotten how it will shake me to the core.

I had one last night.

Where it came from, I don't know. I have been through my fair share of stress in recovery; Lord knows the last year and a half could have driven anyone to drink. But why THAT particular dream, last night...I don't know.

But it was a winner, let me tell you.

It was filled with all the typical drunk dream-y scenarios: driving drunk, sexual escapades, the thoughts of "But I have been sober for 10 years, I can't blow it all now!!!" the crazy drunken behaviour, the hangover, the thoughts of "Holy gOd, what have I done?"

But the worst part was how real it all felt. I remember every second of the dream and I particularly remember the "morning after" and the sense of devastation over relapsing and the amount of wreckage I had accumulated in just 24 hours.

But what shook me most of all was the thought I had during the dream-state morning after of "I don't have it in me to get sober again. And I know I can't drink."

I don't have it in me to get sober again, and I know I can't drink.

So where does that leave me?

I have some thoughts on why I had this dream and they are related to an issue that I won't discuss on the blog. Just let it be said: I am grateful I had it. It shook me up and it woke me up and that's exactly what I needed right about now.

how did I miss this?

I don't know if I should file this one under WTF? or maybe I'm just out of touch. Did anybody else out there know about this magazine?

I'll be watching

My boss, who was also my good buddy, died six days ago. We all knew it was coming, but the hole left by his parting is gaping and filled with sadness. In the last year of his illness, he was on disability and would spend everyday up at the spa, just hanging out. We were his friends AND his family.

I am no stranger to death, but his death leaves me feeling confused and lost. I was accustomed to seeing his mint green hybrid pull into the lot every afternoon, see him wander in to the spa and then either hang out in the office talking to S. Or at the front desk talking to K. Or on the couch in the lobby talking to me. He was generous and serious and funny and calm and smart and introspective and a million other things.

He promised me a year ago, when we contemplated the end, that he would send me a sign to let me know that he was around. I just want to let him know: I'll be watching.

just a simple request

Dear gOd,

Please turn my brain off for just 5 minutes. Please?

I would really appreciate it.

Sincerely,

Kristin H.

full disclosure

I think it only fair to the blog to be up front about an AA related matter.

Went to a meeting this morning that just absolutely irritated the snot out of me. I know I come across all pollyanna-ish about AA related issues, and believe me when I say that 99.9% of the time, I am. But the meeting this morning set the stage for monumental disharmony. The only thing I gained out of it was an invigorated desire to RUN, not walk, to my AA homegroup tomorrow night.

The building smells like motor oil and moth balls. It has the loudest HVAC system in the area, which means that every time the heater/air conditioner kicks on, you have to strain to hear what's being said. And if that's not bad enough, everyone in that meeting mumbles. I don't know if it's because it's so damn early in the morning that no one is awake yet, or if everyone is just clinically depressed. But they were all a bunch of Low Talkers.

Then to add insult to serious injury, one of the newcomers started in on a mini-lead that finally had to be shut down by one of the oldtimers because, well, it went on FOREVER and he had NO POINT. Awkward.

The one saving grace about that meeting is the pastries.

I'm probably going to hell for even writing this.

I swear to gOd I will keep coming back.

update

I am aware that a great deal of time has passed since I have posted anything of substance on this blog. Not that I imagine anyone really cares, but on the off chance that anyone wonders....

• I turned down the acceptance into nursing school that I had received last April. I was still numb and reeling from my separation, finances were questionable, and I simply wasn't mentally prepared to take on any more responsibility. I am applying again this month for the next term. Unfortunately, my earlier acceptance is null and void. I must start over. So be it.
• I bought a house of my own that I moved into the first week of December. The transition was hell, I tell you. HELL. I get twitchy even thinking about it, so I'll leave it at that. But lets just say that I will never again move from a third floor anything, without an elevator, during a snow storm, with minimal help. Ever.
• I dropped a fair amount of weight after the separation last year, all of which came flying back on after the first of the year. The weight must come off. I don't have a real hard and fast plan as to how that's going to happen but I imagine my chocolate ganache and brie diet will have to come to a grinding halt. ::sigh::
• I turned 41 on January 2nd and I don't feel a damn bit different. Although I'm thinking of convincing myself that I'm really down about the whole Into My Forties thing and go buy myself a really bitching pair of Frye boots that I've been wanting.
• Celebrated 10 years of sobriety on October 1st. That one felt good.
• Have remained busy at the spa and am immensely grateful for that. It has been a rough year for our small staff-family in that a key figure in our ownership team is losing his battle with Melanoma. Hospice has been called in and we have been preparing for his final days.
• Continue to look for opportunities to be of service in my daily life. It's the only thing that keeps me right size and out of my head. Many days it's nothing more than setting up chairs and making coffee at meetings, but I'll take what I can get.

To all the new readers that I have seen on the blog....

Sobriety is the beginning, not the end. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.