dream interpretation

Panic and inadequacy dream last night.

I dreamt that I was throwing a birthday party for my daughter J and there were family members there that I hadn't seen in years. One of whom was my deceased aunt and her Denver, Colorado-living daughter. Obviously a long trip for a birthday party. In more ways than one.

Mid way through the party it became apparent that some of the party guests, including the deceased aunt and her daughter, weren't there. Someone tells me that a group of guests had taken off to do some stuff and would be back "soon." Then it occurs to me that while I had planned this big party for J, I had forgotten to get her a present. She's turning 8. You don't forget presents at an 8 year old's birthday party.

Then I get a phone call from the aunt telling me that they were stuck in traffic on the Grapevine and were trying to make it back to the party. Well, I can appreciate that except I live in West Virginia now, not Bakersfield, California. Then I'm trying to wonder why they were out there and not at the party. Someone tells me that the group had decided to go to the casino for a spell and had obviously lost track of time.

In my head I am trying to problem solve. Do I sneak out and try to get a Toys-R-Us card really quick or ask the casino goers to pick something up? Someone at the party tells me to go to Radio Shack up the road and grab a gift there. This is a great solution except I can't shake the feeling of inadequacy that comes with having forgotten to buy her a gift.

The casino group shows up within minutes.

Any thoughts?

anger

I'm not one prone to anger. I rarely get angry and when I do, it typically doesn't last long. However, I am at a phase in my personal life where much is beginning bubble to the surface and I find myself going to bed angry and waking in the same bitter mood. My dreams are beginning to reflect this mindset. For me, that is a danger sign. I was plagued with nightmares throughout my childhood and I don't welcome their return.

I awoke this morning to a sweet smelling 5 year old in my bed wanting cinnamon rolls and a snuggle. Once the snuggles had commenced and the rolls were in the oven, I retired to the chaise with coffee and As Bill Sees It in hand. I opened the book to a page that the marker had fallen into when I was moving books during last week's move. The passage?

"It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the sudden rage were not for us. Anger is the dubious luxury of normal men, but for us alcoholics it is poison."

~Alcoholics Anonymous, pg. 66

So much for that.

Today I will make the choice to be free of resentments. I'll let you know how that goes.

some background and some answers

When I was little and growing up on the shores of southern California and vacationing on the banks of the Trinity River, I use to scrub my body with the hot sand that lined the beaches. I would slather myself in mud and bake in the sun only to rise after 30 minutes or so and rinse off in the ocean or river water. I would take the hot rocks that lined the shore and lay on them or place them upon my body. I would then bask in their warmth until every muscle in my body was like liquid. There is no telling what passerby thought of this young child (age 5? age 8?)

As an adult I have worked in brain injury rehabilitation and as a child protective services social worker. Both fields were ripe with life lessons that I have carried on into my role as a parent. Try retraining a brain injured grown man to use the toilet again only to have him scream obscenities at you on a daily basis and that's when he wasn't hurling small appliances at you from across his apartment. Deal with that kind of life skills training for four years and parenthood becomes a snap.

But through all the jobs, all the careers, the one constant is that most of my co-workers could be found at my desk looking to get their neck and shoulders rubbed. I made the decision nearly ten years ago to change career paths and go into the field of massage therapy and I haven't looked back. Now, make no mistake, I still intend on completing nursing school but the idea will be to incorporate both paths at some point in the future. My ideal job? To be a nurse practitioner at an inpatient treatment facility and oversee the development of an alternative therapies division within that facility. One of my clients is sober 6+ years and was prescribed massage therapy while in treatment to deal with her pain pill addiction. Massage therapy has saved her life and she's not the first person to have said that to me.

Why the bit in the beginning about the hot rocks and sand scrubs? My job today consists of massage therapy, hot stone therapy, salt scrubs, and mud wraps. I guess you can say I was destined.

I leave you with some answers to questions (quansers?) that clients have been asking me for years:

• I could care less if you shave your legs (or back.) I've felt it all. However, significant back acne should be cleared up before receiving massage.
• Talking throughout the massage impacts the efficacy of the treatment. Your breathing is compromised and the neck and jaw muscles are engaged making my job more difficult.
• Please don't wear cologne or perfume.
• No, my hands never hurt. They just keep getting stronger and stronger.
• But my back will hurt if I do more than five treatments in one day.
• Massage shouldn't hurt. If you've been to a therapist that has hurt you, find another therapist.
• Some of my most tense and physically stressed clients have been children.
• Consciousness creates form. Happy clients are easy to work on. Angry clients are not.
• I can tell by touching you what kind of client you are.
• I don't care if you fall asleep and snore. That's a compliment in Massage World.
• The best way to combat neck and shoulder problems is to have a strong midsection. The thoracic region will collapse upon itself if the abs are weak. This throws the neck and shoulders forward.
• Breathe from your diaphragm, not your shoulders.
• Yes, I enjoy what I do.
• Nearly everyone has trigger points in their neck and shoulders. Even my five year old.
• Notice I said "nearly." That doesn't mean "all."
• Massage can lower blood pressure.
• And blood sugar. Eat a meal before your treatment.
• I like all my clients. Some are more challenging than others, but I like everyone.

Did I leave anything out?

moving day

I moved again this weekend. The number on the new place is 11. Anyone who knows me, knows that this is significant.

My children, gOd love 'em, ran stuff up the stairs from the old unit to the new unit. I am now on the top floor, the penthouse, in the trees, no longer at the mercy of lead-footed drunken night owls.

I awakened at 5:00 AM today with a desire to read my Big Book. I made a pot of French Roast and settled into the chaise to watch the sun rise through my new top floor windows and to read A Vision For You. It doesn't get much better than A Vision For You.

Starting my day with a healthy dose of Bill and Bob helped me to tackle a morning agenda that should have put me under.

I have a rule of never posting pictures of my family; but this one was too good to pass up.

(L watching Wizards of Waverly Place)

thanks for brightening my day

Have you ever noticed how active recovery will completely change the complexion of your life? I'm talking about the hard core, balls to the wall, take-no-prisoners recovery.

I have noticed over the years, compliments of face-to-face meetings, online recovery, and actively working the steps (and with others,) that I have changed to the point that I no longer feel comfortable in certain circles. Sobriety has instilled in me a sense of gratitude and gOd consciousness that is now a 24 hour thread in the fabric of my life.

Case in point: venture out into the blogosphere and get lost in some of the political blogs. Or entertainment industry sites. Or even the mommy blogs. I should know, I started out as a Mom Blog. Without taking anyone's inventory, I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that nowhere else on the Internet will you find a group as happy, joyous, and free as you find on the recovery blogs. You might strike pay dirt on some Christian sites, but I don't hang out over there.

I start my day with this gal, this guy, and let's not forget this one and this one. There are many more. You know who you are. You are on my blogroll. I read and comment regularly. I love you all. And I know that when I visit your sites, that even when your day is in the gutter and you have a few choice words to say, more often than not you will wrap it up with a gratitude list and a shout-out to the One that helped you make it one more day.

We are not a glum lot.

Thanks for letting me share.

i need help

This is what happens when Kristin H. gets into her Picasa web album and decides to review her blog history. Based on these photos alone, I'm out of control. Bear massage? Hamburger cake? Lurking Jesus? The bear is getting a massage in MY treatment room. Jesus is lurking in MY cabinet. I baked the hamburger cake. Don't even ask about the van. The "AA" ladder photo? Well, that's just cool.

shorter half life

The magnificent thing about my life today is that the bad days have a significantly shorter half life than in years past. My last post was written and then promptly forgotten.

I thank everyone who had kind words to share. They are appreciated.

But I was fine about 2.5 hours after I wrote it.

On to happier things (like Eric Clapton...)

small

i'm feeling very small right now. powerless over circumstances in my life. i miss my mom and dad and wish that they were down the street to give me a hug. sometimes i wish i could bring myself to write about these circumstances so that i can benefit from all the lovely bloggers who jump in with great words of encouragement. however, i made a commitment to not write of certain matters. so be it.

i am grateful for:

• another day of sobriety
• my beautiful little girls
• my health
• my job
• my friends
• refuge at the white light diner
• the fact that i'm no longer a snarky bitch
• gOd removing my defects of character