true story

The other week, Gabi, T, D, C, and I all went to eat at Shoney's after the Monday night AA meeting. Our server's name was Tequila.

Is it wrong that I find this funny?

sober musings

I don't talk about gOd much on this blog. I don't have much to say on the matter. I believe in a Power Greater Than Myself and we talk regularly. End of subject.

But sometimes, in meetings, I will listen to a newcomer drone on about stress and anxiety and unmanageability and how they can't stop the cravings.

And then someone down the table will share to the newcomer about how they have to be hitting their knees everyday and asking gOd to remove the stress and anxiety and unmanageability and cravings from their life.

And I'll be thinking to myself, "Yep. Prayer's a good one. But, has anyone asked this newcomer when was the last time they ate a decent meal? Or got a decent night's sleep?"

I know for a fact that there are newcomers in my home group that survive on Coke Classic and Marlboro Reds. Anyone living on that kind of diet should be feeling like crap.

gOd won't get pissed if we took a moment to grab a burger and a nap.

not a fluffy post

Every so often, I get the urge to set things straight. I scan my posts, sometimes going back a couple of weeks, and determine that I have been a little too heavy on the fluff, not enough of the serious stuff.

First: that's just me. I'm a happy-go-lucky kind of gal that would rather buy you a donut than sit and ruminate the meaning of life. Do I ever ponder life and the myriad things that make it move? Of course I do. In private, in my own head, after hours, when there is a surplus of time. In the meantime....

I am too busy planning my next big adventure.

I get 24 hours in each day to make It count and most days I go to bed having squeezed every last ounce of sober goodness out of It. What is this "It" that I speak of?

It is the miracle of life that each of us has been granted, that many of us in sobriety hit the ground on our knees in gratitude for, and that quite a few squander away while drowning in their own self pity.

I love my YouTube videos. Fluffy posts about nothing are a pretty accurate description of how I approach life. Note to readers: it keeps me stress free. I'm not prone to sarcasm nor petty jabs at others. That's not how I roll. But hear this:

I am deadly serious about recovery.

Thank you for letting me share.

blah blah blah

I'm not Latina, but I like to speak in Spanish a lot. Any thoughts on that?

You, more than likely, will be "chica" instead of "girl" (no, Steve, not you.)

Jesus will be "hey-Seuss."

Who thinks up the sober nicknames? "Ramble On" Tom. Charlie "Ha Ha." You all know what I'm talking about.

There is no daily malfunction that cannot be somewhat improved by a donut and coffee.

Don't you just love it when you see the lights come on in a newcomer and they finally "get it?"

Monday night, everyone who shared congratulated the gal that celebrated 22 years AND the guy that got his license back after 7 years. Only in AA is re-issuance of someone's driving privileges cause for unanimous praise.

Things have been emotionally chaotic but there is an undercurrent of peace to all of it. It is the quiet voice, not my own, that says "Keep doing what you're doing. More will be revealed."

I have been graced with some standout friends; all of whom are in the Program. That's the groovy thing about some people. You make one friend and they have a jumbo pack of friends on the side. Kind of like when you buy laundry detergent and you get 30% more FREE! I thank Gabi and T for that.

There is a guy that lives in my building who is in the Program. If one more person from AA moves in, then we could probably start a meeting. That would be kind of cool.

My baby girl lost her second tooth last night. I asked her what the market value was on that tooth and she told me, "$3.00. Just like the last one." I was impressed by her reserve, considering that this is the same child who, last year, tried to con me out of some tooth fairy money by passing off her sister's tooth as her own.

Have a great Wednesday! Pay attention to the details. Have a donut. Vaya con Dios.

new girl on the block

New girl on the block. Let's all say hello.

enchanted response

A comment by me, followed by an email response from the talented Chris at Enchanted Oak, has led me to today's post.

"Sobriety is in the details, seeing them, recognizing them for what they are." ~ Chris

Kristin H.'s translation: pay attention.

Chris and I were taught as children to "pay attention to the details." I commented that it took me being sober to fully appreciate that advice and to put it "into action."

Today I have an appreciation for the minutiae of life.

Because of sobriety, I can see that you're wearing a new lipstick and that it matches your sweater and that it would go perfectly with that dress you wore last week. I can see this, because I can see you and the finer details that make up you.

Because of sobriety, I can appreciate the way you slice the vegetables when making dinner. The way you hold the knife, the onion, the pan. I can appreciate this because I am no longer numb and half baked, looking for my wine glass and the bottle that it accompanies.

Because of sobriety, I can find the line in your poem that resonates with me and toss it about in my mind for the remainder of the day. I can do this because my mind is no longer occupied with obsessive thoughts of myself and the addiction that colors my life.

Because of sobriety, I know how you like your coffee and probably how your best friends like their coffee and where they like to sit in the coffee shop and what time they like to get there. I know this because I am present and aware today and being included in your daily life.

Because of sobriety, I am aware of how my actions affect you; both good and bad. With this awareness, I can hold myself accountable for the hurt and take the necessary steps to right the wrongs.

Happy Monday! Pay attention to the details.

how to save the day

Yesterday goes on record as being the pissiest day of the new calendar year.

Welcome to 2010! Let's bitch incessantly!

My massage clients complained of the light level, the music, the heat, their ailing bodies...

Every single one of them had something to complain about. This is odd in that normally, most people are happy to being getting a massage. Apparently not yesterday.

I carried the bitch torch into the after-work hours in that it was determined that my new-to-me-hand-me-down van from my parents probably didn't have antifreeze in it. This is not their fault; they are from central Texas. This is not my estranged husband's fault; he is no longer responsible for my car maintenance.

This is my fault.

A major oversight on an evening when the temperature was to drop to 5°. It is not Advance Auto Parts' fault even though it would have been nice if THEY WERE OPEN WHEN I WENT TO PURCHASE ANTIFREEZE.

But no.

After I slid out of the downtown district and skated my car in the snow storm into the neighboring community and into their parking lot, they were closed.

At 6:45 PM. WTF?

Rite Aid came to my rescue even though Mosh Pit Piercing Boy behind the counter was a little snarky. Dude? Don't you even recognize one of your own? Where's the love?

I made it home. Parked the van. Grabbed my bag. And decided to walk to a meeting.

You know what lifts one's spirits and saves the day when the bottom appears to have fallen out?

Making snow angels in the front lawn of the funeral home on the way to the 8:00 PM Speaker Meeting.

Now THAT is what I call Recovery.

a village

Quite some time ago I posted about being That Girl. I won't link to the post because we all know who That Girl is.

The girl with That Job.

The girl with the DUI.

The girl who looked Like That.

The girl that they didn't want to bring home to Mom.

The girl with That Reputation.

I am no longer That Girl. It's been a long time gone since I've been her. I think I knew deep down that I probably would either

1. pull myself out, or

2. kill myself.

But I knew deep down that I wouldn't continue to inflict my embarrassment on others.

The hardest to swallow was the judgement of the mothers. The women who believed that I wasn't good enough for their sons and daughters. I don't fault them; at the time I wasn't fit for anyone. Yet, I could feel their spine stiffen as they appraised me with a stony smile and faux friendliness. I was a drunk, not stupid. I drank to fill an emptiness inside. I was to find out later that only my higher power could fill that hole. Up until that point, I tried to fill it with people, places, and things.

Occasionally, I get a client on the table that will talk about their children's choice of friends. They are snarky and biting. I know that they come from a place of concern for their child, but I keep my mouth closed. As a parent and an addict, I see both sides of the situation. I consider myself knowledgeable but not an expert. I keep my mouth closed.

There are days that I want to start a Facebook account. Seek out the mothers and fathers of the past and say, "Look at me now." I am a mother, too. I graduated from college. I have a good job. I no longer look like that. I am sober.

I won't do that. They wouldn't recognize me and it's all water under the bridge.

But looking back, I think to myself, it would of been nice if one of the mothers would have sat me down in their kitchen, offered me some coffee cake and said "You're a pretty girl, with a lot to offer. Why are you doing this with your life?"

I thought it took a village to raise a child.

controlled drinking

• I spent all weekend mentally bitching out the county school system, absolutely certain that they would call a snow day today. For those of you not living in or from the great state of West "by God" Virginia, we are not on a district system and school will be canceled if the buses can't make it up into the hollows (read: hollers.) For those of us of a more urban variety, this sucks big time. I was surprised and encouraged to see snow blowing out of the sky and coating the ground and NO SNOW DAY. Heh.
• To make matters even better, my kids trudged to school through this snow. Just like olden times. You know, the whole "I used to trudge to school through 7 miles of snow, barefoot....." My children were not barefoot but the 5 year old was not wearing seasonally appropriate footwear and her socks got wet so she will definitely have a great story to tell her kids.
• Attended to some procrastinateable busy work this morning and now feel better that I did. Pre-sober Kristin would have put off this task until the very last possible minute. I am not that person anymore.
• I have some people in my life that are trying some of that Controlled Drinking. Let's pray for them.
• My question to them: why bother?
• Seriously. Why bother?
• Thank you to all who wished me a happy birthday. It was happy.

happy birthday to me

40 today.

4-0.

Forty.

Some very little known, completely random facts that make up Kristin H.

1. I lack a competitive gene. Which, resultantly, makes me a sucky game player. I have no problem playing games, I just don't care who wins.

2. I have read my way through the majority of Jane Roberts' Seth Material.

3. I prefer to not watch movies in theatres because the squeaky squeaky of the straw in the drink cup drives me nuts. So does the crinkle crinkle of the candy wrapper. Movies, for me, are to be watched mid day on Monday when I have the theatre to myself.

4. I am a number form synesthete.

I am grateful to be sober. I am grateful to be healthy. I am grateful for my family. I am grateful for all of my new friends in AA and on the blogs. I am grateful to be able to feel love. I am grateful to be alive.