gratitude shout-outs

....done Dr. Seuss-style.

• To G. for talking to me about M.P.
• To A.B.
• To S.S. for turning my day around.
• To M. and D. for coming all this way and being so generous.
• To G., S., J., and M. for not judging me.
• To J. and L. for telling me you love me.
• To C.A. and L.C. for keeping me employed.
• To S.H. for taking such good care of J. and L.
• To L.S. for referring your friends.
• To A.A. for my sobriety

I have made the decision that, apart from a 40th birthday trip to Peru or Marrakesh, I will also begin making plans for a celebration of my sobriety. Last year, Gabriella Moonlight and I took a day trip into Ohio to visit Dr. Bob's house in Akron. This year, I would like to kick it up a notch. I am setting my sights on the AA International Convention in San Antonio, Texas. Members of my home group in California had attended the 60th anniversary convention and returned home saying that it was a spiritual experience unlike any other.

See you there.

trash day

Feel free to follow me on a post that goes nowhere. A meandering of mental nothingness that needs to be sorted through and tossed in the mental dumpster to free up more space in my head. This happens about once every six months. Sort of like defragmenting a hard drive. But not.

-Contrary to popular opinion and what this blog might represent, I don't think about recovery related issues all day long. I have a life because of sobriety and I enjoy living it. I don't stand on a street corner with tambourine and Big Book in hand. Although that would be funny.

-I'm quite certain that in an alternate universe, I live next door to this man:

-And across the street from this guy:

-Does everything taste better with Ranch Dressing?

-I love eating at Mexican restaurants and yet hate listening to people chomp on tortilla chips

-There is someone at one of my meetings who is so funny that sometimes I go just to listen to them share.

-I crave seafood every day.

-I want scallops right now. RIGHT NOW.

-I went somewhere in a dream last night and I want to go back.

-I really do believe there is an 'i' in 'team.' I just think its really tiny and we can't see it.

-When I was a social worker, I once had a client go off on a ridiculous rant at me. I responded with, "You must have me mistaken for someone who cares." I kind of regret that, but not too much.

-I think people misinterpret my kindness as 'doormat.'

-Fall and winter is House of Blues season for me. There is no venue too far away for me.

-This weekend, my five year old went through a pack of gum in under two hours. She stood right in front of me and attempted to justify it with a straight face. She was so convincing that I almost bought it.

-The problem is not so much the quantity of gum but the fact that the gum somehow flies out of her mouth and ends up in bizarre places around the apartment.

-This kid is such a con artist that she triggers my inner addict.

-I'm leaving for a meeting right now.

-I'm walking there.

-Bye.

for L.

lucky prayers

I will kick this one off by saying I have the bestest blog friends EVER. If you don't believe me, then slide down to yesterday's post and read how many people wished me luck on a test that I firmly believe 3/4 of the city of Charleston showed up for. Don't believe me? Well, it's true. Remember the post where I told you that 400-500 people apply for this nursing program and only 40 get chosen? Yeah, well, I got an eyeful last night.

Now, see, if I was in charge of the selection committee, then I would be chosen based simply on how frigging cute I was dressed for the test. Seriously, people. The brown leather knee high boots I wore would have been an instant qualifier for entrance into the program. Not to mention the form fitting jeans and fitted, brown corduroy blazer. I would post a picture, but you know, with this blog being all anonymous and stuff....

So, half of Charleston shows up and apparently they are all math whizzes, because everybody finishes before me, while I am still laboring over why Juan would bother spending 33 1/3 % less for socks when he could just wear sandals year round. Word problems need to be outlawed. But as Gabi will back me up on, few in this community can put together a coherent sentence, so I'm thinking I might have an edge on language and writing. Just saying.

But the test is now over and the next step is to await the results coupled with a preliminary acceptance based on transcripts and work history. The whole acceptance system is based on points and apparently one gets points simply for being married or related to a hospital employee? Can you believe that? I should tell the director that "acceptance is the answer to all my problems today." Really, I should. I should tell her that the Big Book says that; so if she would just accept me into the nursing program, then everything will be perfect.

Again, just saying.

wish me luck

1. Apply to program



2. Submit transcripts



3. October 15, 5:30-9:30 PM: take entrance exam



4. Wait...

nothing ever changes

Last night's topic was Putting Our Program First.

Good topic.

It was a small meeting. One of those meetings where everyone has a chance to share, room for burning desires, time to shoot the breeze after, and still make it home by 9:00 PM.

D. relapsed.

I have never shared about D. before, but I have been watching her for many months. She's older and rough around the edges. Not particularly attractive but sobriety put a gleam in her eye and did wonders for her posture. Last night the eyes were dead and she slouched in her chair. She went back out on "everything."

That is what she said to me as she got in the car for a ride back to the homeless shelter where she is now living. Relapse caused her to lose her apartment.

She went back out on heroin, cocaine, and alcohol.

I asked her how that worked out for her. She said that it was fine for an hour. Then it got worse. Then a little better. Then it just got bad.

This just in from Research and Development: Nothing ever changes.

She bought her score from the same dealers in the same alleys that work my old neighborhood. She bought her booze up the road from her old apartment which is one block from the homeless shelter. On the ride to the shelter, she spoke less of her relapse and more of what she lost as a result of it. She said to me:

"My apartment is right up the street from the homeless shelter."

The sadness, pain and hopelessness in the car was palpable. Had my brushes been handy, I would have painted a picture of blacks and greys; cut with searing reds to represent the blood of recovery lost on the streets of our neighborhood ghetto.

Nothing ever changes.

resurrected (part II)

Because I am nauseatingly bored with myself and lack any desire to post anything of substance, I will offer up my second most hit upon post: a link to the saddest excuse for food prep known to man. Nothing says "Let's never revisit the 70's ever again" like these gems. Enjoy.

P.S. If you're looking for recovery reference within the link, it's not there.

resurrected

I've been blissfully busy at work and resultantly, too brain dead at night to post anything of subsbtance. My recent AA birthday and the completion of a long overdue amend has brought on a renewed tone of gratefulness for sobriety; and when that happens, I like to reflect back on where I've come from.

So, from the archives, comes my most ever hit upon post. Enjoy. Kind of.

for A.

Happy Birthday to Me (Part II)

I wanted to take an opportunity to say a formal thank you to all who extended Sober Birthday wishes. Birthdays of any kind are a big deal to me. I will celebrate yours with as much abandon as my own. Sobriety birthdays hold a particular appeal in that, in my mind, it is the day that we are re-born. I have a particularly sucky belly button birthday. Many of you have read about how much a January 2 birthday bites. But my sobriety birthday is significant for both its symbolism of the day I finally came alive and because of the kick ass time of the year it is. Crisp air, puffy clouds...

This year was even more poignant in that I had an opportunity to celebrate with a group of people who have come to mean a great deal to me. Throughout the day I was given an opportunity to make contact with each of them and be reminded of how much they have helped contribute to my sobriety.

Even though we have separated, my husband and the kids stopped by my work to deliver a gift basket in acknowledgment of the special day. I am grateful that my small children understand to the best of their ability what "sober" means. They understand that mommy doesn't drink alcohol and that most of mommy's friends don't either. I have no plans on filling their heads with tales of how much of a train wreck alcohol made their mommy, but for now I am grateful that they know about my addiction.

Amy C. and Terri G. stopped by the apartment with flowers in hand and big hugs, too. Amy just celebrated one year of continuous sobriety and I was grateful for an opportunity to share my special day with her. Terri accompanied me to the 8:00 PM Speaker Meeting where we met up with Gabriella Moonlight and C.

Gabriella Moonlight and C. met us in the parking lot looking tragically hip, as usual. I find it noteworthy that I have a rigorously stylish group of friends. Heh. Gabriella presented me with a heart locket that she had been holding on to for months and was quite literally jumping out her skin to give me. It was a gorgeous token of her friendship and I was so grateful to be able to sit with her during the meeting and feel her presence. She has been a good friend to me over the last two years and I thank the universe for bringing us together. With Terri to my left and Gabi to my right, I gave each of them hand massages as a token of my appreciation for their kindness.

My deepest gratitude goes to A., who wasn't with me and I wish more than anything that she had been. However, in place of her presence came a box of nine gifts; one for each year of my sobriety. There isn't any way to describe what it feels like to hold objects in one's hand and feel the energy of another. I began crying immediately upon opening the box. These were items selected by her with intent and I love her for that.

My day began with meditation and prayer for all that I am grateful for in my life and all that I have accomplished in sobriety. Nine years ago I was but a shadow of the woman I am today. Because of recovery I have been given the opportunity to live my life with integrity and purpose. The fear and insecurity that use to cloak my existence has been swept away and today my focus is on living a creative life as opposed to a reactive life. I'm not always perfect, but the laundry list of screw-ups is becoming shorter and shorter. My life has indeed begun to take on the kind of complexion that I have always dreamt of.

The perfect ending to my perfect day came with reading The Promises from the podium at the end of the meeting. The Promises were the one passage of the Big Book that resonated with me from the beginning and has stuck with me, even during relapse. So, with my experience behind me and all that the AA has taught me, I strive to carry the message to other alcoholics. It is what Bill and Bob had intended. That we pass it on.

Thank you for my sobriety.

Happy Birthday To Me

“If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us — sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.”

Page 83-84 Alcoholics Anonymous~