I got drunk for the first time shortly after I turned 16. I remember the night as clearly as if it had happened yesterday. Not bad for a black out drinker. It was a high school party at kid's house whom I really didn't know. I was picked up by one of my fellow cheerleader friends. It was the first time I had ever been to a high school party and I was stoked. I spent the evening downing cheap wine coolers and trying like hell to look cool.It was to be a night of "firsts" for me. My first high school party. My first drunk. And the first night that I would ever cheat on a boyfriend. I had a boyfriend; he simply wasn't at the party. I ended up making out in the front yard with his best friend. Even drunk, I knew I had done something bad. It was as scandalous as things got for a sophomore in high school and the following day was spent doing damage control on all fronts.
Many developments came out of that fateful night. One of which is that I was truly attracted to the guy I had hooked up with. After breaking up with the boyfriend, the best friend and I started dating off and on for the next two years. But two things stuck with me about that evening. First, I found that when I was drunk, I felt invincible. I felt pretty, thin, attractive, confident, and in control. The reality is that I was none of those things when I was drinking; it was merely how I perceived things while under the influence. The truth was that when I was drinking, I was disheveled, needy, loud and very much not in control. Pictures of me under the influence would later provide evidence of that.
The second thing I discovered that night was that one drunk was not enough.
Pandora's box had been opened. I wanted and needed more. And there was to be no turning back.
Part two in a series of ten posts chronicling my history with alcoholism and recovery.
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